


Meandering of a broken heart

by imnotanironwall



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Canon-Typical Violence, Feelings, Happy Ending, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Kingdom Hearts III, Trans Male Character, trans Isa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-16 03:23:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19309627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotanironwall/pseuds/imnotanironwall
Summary: Isa is complete once again. But something went wrong, and he did not come back alone.





	Meandering of a broken heart

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for a dear friend! 
> 
> A few further TW, the "canon-typical violence" also includes mention of death. As for the panic attack, if you need to skip it: from "Isa sits up in his bed" to "not being able to think clearly". 
> 
> Also, in the sexy part, I use the word "clit" for Isa; I'm sorry if you're uncomfy with that.

The heart is a very strange thing. Be it positive or negative feelings, it all comes down to it.

A heart can be strong enough to live on after everything is gone. A heart can be big enough to host others and help them recover. And even when one disappears and surely should be gone and lost, there's always a light strong enough somewhere to reach into the darkness to save it.

In stories, the saying goes " _let your heart be your guiding key_ ". And it probably has been such a thing on a few occasions, to a chosen hero on a marvelous quest.

However, Isa is not one. In fact, he was quite the opposite merely a few hours ago - _or was it days_? he is not so sure anymore.

One thing he knows though when air fills his lungs once again and he opens his eyes, it's that he is _broken_.

 

* * *

 Radiant Garden is so much smaller than what he remembers. He visited briefly in the last years, saw it change from afar. New inhabitants building on top of the ruins of what was once a dazzling and prosperous place, hearts once lost to darkness coming back, the old and the new merging to give this world a new glory.

Isa doesn't recognize any of it. The children running in the streets don't have unruly red hair, the castle is not this forbidden and dark building, there's no girl waiting for him in this town. What was once familiar seem so foreign now.

Home is no more and it hurts.

" _Isa_!"

He raises his head at his name, the one thing linking him to his old and new self, the boy he was and the man he is, the one he needs to get to know better.

Unruly red hair crashes into him, the promise of a smile making its way on his lips. Long arms embrace his body before promptly releasing him, Lea's mouth is stretched to his ears, a laugh lost in his throat when he finally gets a good look at Isa's face.

"You're back." The smile turns tender, something in Lea's eyes shift and this, too, is different. But it's gone before Isa can think about it any further. Instead, a hand grips his and tugs forward. "Do you want to take a walk around before we leave?"

Isa shakes his head. His hand is getting sweaty and he resists the urge to yank it back and wipe it on the black coat he is still wearing. "I have seen enough while I was waiting."

Lea nods and pulls him down the stairs, freeing his hand seconds later. "To the gummiship then!"

He wants to smile at Lea's energy and joy, but something tightly grasps his heart. **_The ghost of a friendship; he too has changed_** _,_ a voice not unlike his own whispers. **_How long will it last this time?_** A cold hand squeezes his heart, Isa is paralyzed, fist clutching at his chest, and then it's gone.

It's alien and yet so familiar, Isa doesn't know what to do. He only comes back to reality when he gets shaken and a worried voice calls out to him. "Isa, you okay?"

He takes a step back and nods. He closes his eyes for a second, takes a deep breath, and faces Lea once more. "I was simply out of it for a moment, I apologize. We can go."

The red-haired fixes Isa, brows furrow and lips pushed together in a thin line. "Are you sure? We can sit somewhere before we go; we can even stay the night if you need."

The man shakes his head and presses on, passing by his friend without a glance - he wouldn't be able to lie to his face more than that. "I'm fine. Besides, your friends are waiting for us."

He waits until he hears Lea's steps behind him. The man huffs, he's surely crossing his arms as he does so. "I'll get my license soon, I was just very busy the past few months!"

Lea catches up to him quickly, bumping their shoulders together, a large grin on his face. "Besides, if you aren't here to keep me on my toes, I'll never be able to concentrate on any driving lesson."

Isa smiles back, discrete, and he sighs peacefully as they fall into an easy conversation. Maybe he imagined everything. They are still the same after all.

 

The voice is back with full force when they reach Twilight Town and enters the mansion.

The place in itself doesn't hold any particular memories, it's bland, worn, broken in places. He easily notices where its new residents started cleaning and probably gave up to finish another day.

Roxas and Xion smile when they see him, restraint in their gesture but forgiveness in their eyes. **_They're lying_ ** **,** the voice says and Isa has to stop himself from gripping his chest again. He doesn't want to worry them, doesn't want to alarm Lea.

The latter is moving his arms and mouth, surely telling a joke considering the laughs he gets in return. Isa doesn't hear what he is saying. **_See how happier he is with them, they are his true friends. They are all playing an act around you. You are not wanted._ **

"No," he says. All eyes turn to him.

Isa clears his throat, suddenly aware he was too loud. He is not the best liar, not anymore, and he looks around rapidly to find a way out of this situation. "I was just thinking about how different this place is from what I was told, I apologize if I thought out loud."

Xion is the first one to follow on that, a smile on her face. "We tried our best to make it more like a home, but there's still a lot to do." There’s nothing shy about her, she’s totally different from what Isa envisioned.

"Speaking of things to do!" Lea exclaims. "Let me show you your room! You probably want to rest."

The distraction is welcomed. Isa nods and follows Lea upstairs to one of the vacant rooms. He tries not to think too much about the muted whispers from Roxas and Xion the moment they leave.

"The bathroom is at the end of the corridor and the kitchen is downstairs. If you need anything, my room is next door, right to your left." Lea taps Isa's shoulders awkwardly, like he doesn't know what to do with his hands, before he takes a few steps back. "Don't hesitate if you need it, I'll be right here!"

With a hum, Isa enters his room and closes the door behind him.

What's strike him first is how quiet it is. He can barely hear the birds outside, nor the other people in the house, it feels like he is truly alone. It feels like he's back in his room in the World That Never Was.

Though, it's not entirely like it. Despite the just as empty white walls, the room seems already more lived in. On a desk, a few clothes are stacked with a note on top of them. The man inspects it closely.

_I thought you would want to change out of the cloak as soon as possible but I didn't know what sort of clothes you would like to wear. Hopefully, they will fit. You should ask Axel to take you into town for some new clothes tomorrow, he has the day off._

  * __Xion.__



He reads the note a few time before he carefully folds it and places it in a drawer of the empty desk. It shouldn't make him feel anything, they barely know each other, she's simply doing what anyone would have done. Hell, maybe someone else gave her the idea to do so. But despite everything, his heart warms up a little as he changes into the clothes lent to him.

In seconds, that warmth is _gone_. Replaced with that same freezing grasp around his heart.

 ** _They're trying to lure you into a false sense of security and comfort. The moment you'll lower your guard, they'll strike you down,_** the voice says. **_Why would they have forgiven you so fast, you did nothing but hurt and lie to them until the end. The current you is weak._**

Isa presses a hand against his temple, eyes closed shut and teeth bared. That voice, he knows it too well. That feeling, it's carved inside of him, _onto_ him.

"You died, you can't be here," he tries to reason.

 **_You're broken,_ **it chuckles before disappearing.

Isa walks to his bed, body shaking, and lays on it, face pressed into the pillow. He clenches his fists into the bedding to keep himself from pathetically screaming to that voice to get out.

Maybe he is broken. Maybe Saïx is still there somewhere. Maybe he had always been there, had become stronger during those ten or so years as a Nobody. Maybe Isa is indeed weak. Maybe he didn't entirely come back as _Isa_ , maybe he clung onto _Saïx_ as his heart entered his body once more.

His head hurts and his breath is ragged. He should be complete, he should be him again. _Only_ him. Just like all the others are, _Somebody_.

Darkness can't have clouded his heart, can it?

 

When Isa wakes up, the sun is setting over the forest - just like it always is. He gives a quick look at his newly purchased alarm clock, red numbers reading 6:00 AM. He sighs but sits up anyway, there's no point going back to sleep.

He tries to open his eyes but all he sees his dark, his head throbs. He has to lean against the wall to regain his composure.

 **_So weak you can't even handle getting up now_ ** _._

Isa groans, too out of it to pay much attention to that voice again. It's here, he knows it, he can feel it in the back of his chest every time he sees Lea with his friends, can hear it whispering in his ear each time he messes up a simple task. It makes itself known, it becomes a permanent resident in Isa's mind.

It's exhausting.

Isa can't make it go away though, he tried. But it always comes back no matter what he does, so he stopped trying. It stays.

After quickly washing his face, Isa goes down to the kitchen. He might as well prepare breakfast for everyone and get back to his own tasks around the house, cleaning is the best thing he has to keep himself busy.

"Up already?" A voice mumbles behind him, cut off by a loud yawn.

Isa turns on his heels to face Roxas, bed hair worse than usual. He doesn't take more than a quick look at Isa before taking everything he needs for his own breakfast.

"I wish I could stay in bed longer, seven is way too early to be awake."

The blue-haired man jumps in his skin, head turning so quickly towards the clock he hears something in his neck snap. _Seven_? Has he seriously rubbed that same spot on the kitchen counter for an hour straight?

 **_Broken_ **…

He shakes his head. He might have just misread the clock, he is quite weary after all; the numbers must have been too blurry and he saw a zero instead of a three or any other number really. Yes, that must be it. Of course, he can’t have spaced out that long.

"Isa?"  A hand lightly touches his shoulder, snapping him back to reality. Roxas is gone and is now replaced with a concerned Lea.

"You've been staring at the window for the past twenty minutes, are you okay?"

Twenty minutes? Last that he checked he was facing a wall, not a window.

"You look tired, when did you wake up?" Lea doesn't stop touching him, this time turning his face towards him to get a proper look at Isa. His brows twitch and Isa closes his eyes, he doesn't want to see the worry in his friend's gaze. Hearing it is already enough.

"I bet you haven't eaten breakfast too. Come."

A hand slides against his and pulls him toward the small round table in the kitchen, or _tries_ at least. Isa doesn’t budge, looking at their locked hand with a blank expression. He sees, and yet, something in him is telling him something is amidst. If he was none the wiser, he would accuse Saïx of making it feels odd, but it’s something else, it’s different.

He can’t quite pinpoint what it is, put a word to the ache in his heart. It’s silent but deafening, cold and warm, comforting yet painful. A simple touch and he is lost, he almost misses Saïx’s harsh comments - at least, _he_ gives names to those feelings.

“Isa, you sure you’re okay?” Lea asks, the crease between his brows only deepening when Isa shrugs and sits at the table like they had been intended to do in the first place.

“Hmm, sounds like you’re lying but fine,” Lea whispers, loud enough that it was obviously not meant to stay unheard. Isa ignores the comment. They don’t mention it the next time Isa spaces out and cereals fall out of his spoon into his laps.

 

Sometimes, Saïx gets so quiet Isa believes he is gone for good. Getting back on his feet, starting his life in Twilight Town, understanding those mysterious feelings appearing when Lea is a little too close, a little too unaware, it all seems possible.

Saïx is quick to crush his hopes and push answers out of his reach.

Most of the time, he simply squeezes his heart so tight Isa feels like he’s dying: he can’t breathe, the world is a blur and any coherent thoughts are lost in the fog in his head. The words hurt but the pain eventually fades and they go back to their usual routine of mean remarks and silent suffering.

Isa is less used to the nightmares.

People are screaming, it’s muffled, but the high-pitched cry for help still make their way to his ears. Faces he saw behind iron bars; teenagers, children, wailing in agony as their hearts is torn from their chest, as darkness consume them. The only survivor marked with a large X on her face, and Isa can’t take his eyes away from the memory.

 **_You could have done something back then_ **.

It’s dark and freezing. Something heavy weighs on his back, pinning him to the ground. His face is pressed to the hard and cold floor. He hears something, someone, crawling onto the ground, slowly making its way towards him. A voice calls for him. It’s small and anxious, familiar. “ _Isa…_ ”

Suddenly there is light. Isa finally sees that person, Lea, younger, pinned to the ground by a dark boot on his back, his hand reaching for Isa, fear clear in his eyes. And then, before Isa can even react or comprehend the scene, the image burst into flames. In Lea’s place, there’s Axel, his back turned to him.

“Everything is your fault,” a brief glance behind, there’s a large X scar on Axel’s face - right where Isa’s is. It shouldn’t be there, only Isa had been marked in such a way. The man frowns. “I hate you.”

He turns on his heels and walks away from Isa. Then Axel disappears.

Actually, everything disappears.

And then, it all comes back at once.

Isa sits up in his bed, hands clawing at his chest. He can’t breathe. He’s burning. He’s drenched in sweat. His world is spinning and he can’t think. His head is a mess, his lungs don’t work, his throat is dry.

He gets up and rushes into the bathroom at the end of the hallway. Water flows out of the tap and he splashes some on his face, expecting it to clear his head. When he looks at himself in the mirror, his eyes shine yellow, pupilless, and he feels abruptly sick, like his stomach his going to empty itself right this moment.

He bends over the sink and coughs, once, twice, he can’t even breathe properly. He doesn’t understand what is happening, _is he still dreaming_? The familiar burn in his throat brings him back to reality and he opens his mouth wide. Nothing comes out. He only coughs, more and more, until he doesn’t make a sound anymore and he collapses on himself.

It’s mostly quiet, his erratic breathing the only thing breaking the silence. He knows what he should do, but he can’t calm down enough to try and breathe properly; his body aches and he hates not being able to think clearly.

 _Lea_.

 _That’s right, Lea can help_.

He musters what little strength he has left in him and gets up, leaning heavily against the wall. He takes a few tentative steps, and when he doesn’t fall face first, he limps out of the bathroom. The sooner he is out, the sooner it will stop. Lea can help him. He said so, didn’t he?

The door flies open and he stumbles to the room. The corridor seems so much bigger than it usually is, it feels like minutes before he finds his way in front of the door he knows is Lea’s. Finally, he’ll breathe. Lea will help.

**_But will he?_ **

He stops himself as he is about to knock.

**_He hates you, remember?_ **

Isa chokes on his own futile attempt at breathing in, he coughs and collapses on himself again. He hates him? No matter what Isa wants, he can’t get it, because Lea _hates_ him.

His forehead meets the door with a loud _thud_. And the tears finally flow.

 

“Isa?”

The man squeezes his eyelids together. He doesn’t want to wake up.

“Oh my god, Isa! What happened?”

His body aches all over. His face is wet, his eyes and throat hurt, one of his arms his completely numb. He wants to stay right where he is.

“Isa?” A hand gently brushes hair away from his face and he groans at the light hitting his eyes. “Isa, please wake up.” The voice is soft, the fingers against his cheeks are warm, it’s nice.

“Please, Isa, you need to get up. You can’t sleep on the floor.” _The floor_?  

His eyes blink open and he pushes his body off the ground to look at his surrounding. He’s seated in the hallway in front of Lea’s room, the latter of which the door is open and the man himself is crouched down next to Isa. His brows are creased in a frown and his lips form a thin line.

He catches the light of the early morning, a sunset at dawn, and blinks once more. It takes him a few minutes to remember why he is here, the memories of the previous night flooding him all of a sudden.

“Oh,” he says. He jumps on his feet, unsteady, and turns around. “I’m sorry. I must have gotten lost during the night. I’m going back to bed.”

He turns around and flees to his room, not brave enough to look at Lea at this very moment, afraid of what he might find.

“Isa!”

The voice is distant, but the hurried footsteps behind him are not - the man is undoubtfully confused and worried. “You can’t just leave like that, you need to talk to me. You look awful.”

He slips inside the room before Isa can close the door. The blue-haired man sighs. “There’s nothing, I’m just tired. Please leave.”

Lea crosses his arms against his chest and shakes his head. “No, I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s wrong.” He stands his ground, glare directed at Isa. “I wanted to give you time but it’s been two months and you’ve been avoiding me. I’m not waiting anymore.”

Isa looks away and frowns, hugging himself in the process. “There’s nothing wrong. I apologize if it seems like I avoided you, it was not my intention. I will do my best to rectify this matter but right now I need to get some more sleep. So if you would, I’d like to be alone.”

Had Lea been anyone else, surely he would have left. But he is not, he’s Isa’s childhood friend and he has picked a thing or two about him. Just like the way he tends to avoid talking about his problems. Lea is not about to let him get away with this one.

“I will leave you alone if you tell me what has been going on in this head of yours since you came back. You seemed so… happy at the idea of being you again when we talked at the Keyblade Graveyard. But you’re distant since then.”

“Lea, it does not concern you. I’m best left alone until I get everything back in order.”

“Well,” Lea leans forward, fists pressed against his hips. “It doesn’t look like that did you much good.”

Isa’s frown deepens, his scar itches. He resists the urge to scratch it, instead walking to the window and looking outside, as if the unmoving trees would distract him from that dreadful conversation.

“It’s fine if you don’t want to talk, but I’m not leaving you then. Two can play this game and you should know I’m quite stubborn.” Lea sits at the foot of the bed. He breathes out, deciding being angry about being left behind is not the best course of action. “ I wish you would talk to me. I _miss you_ , Isa.”

He gives in the urge and rubs at his nose, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. That’s not what he wants to hear, he doesn’t want to hear anything, he wants to be left alone. Because if he isn’t, he’s going to hurt Lea at some point. And that’s not something he will allow, he can’t let the man be hurt, he can’t be hated. Or is he already? No, that was a nightmare. And the man said he missed Isa, so of course, he can’t hate him.

 _He is losing his mind_.

“You don’t know who I’ve become, you can’t say that.”

“Of course I can!” He sees Lea gets back on his feet in the corner of his eye. He walks to Isa and presses his hand against his cheek. “And I want to know what’s new. But it doesn’t mean you’re not you anymore.”

The words hit Isa like a truck and he turns around, walks farther into the room, back turned to Lea. “It’s not true.”

“Of course it is.” He feels Lea’s presence getting closer to him but this time the man doesn’t touch him. “Isa… Tell me what’s on your mind. Why are you telling me this? You know, I understand how hard it is to be complete again after so long, I can help. I mean it.”

Isa clenches his fists. Those are only words. He can not know. Because he was never someone else, he never lost control, he never really became a part of Xehanort. Darkness never really got to him.

He shakes his head. “You have no idea what it is like to not feel anymore. Even incomplete, you kept a heart. You made friends, you felt joy. You grew as Axel but you were still Lea. Surely because I’m the one who made you a Nobody.”

“Now that’s not fair.” There’s heat in Lea’s voice, he seems upset again. “I joined the Organisation, I became a Nobody because _I_ thought it was the only way to save _her_. We both changed and I stopped looking. I’m as much to blame here. But at least I’m not spouting nonsense and I’m actually trying to do better instead of hating myself for things I can’t undo. You gotta learn to move on!”

Isa turns around, bottom lip trembling - out of anger, out of despair. He’s at his wit’s end. “I don’t know how to do that!”

Everything he kept inside for weeks, all the emotions he repressed and hid deep inside of him, the last string that kept his heart together, it breaks and it’s all too much at once. A choking sound escapes his mouth, a pathetic whine of a kicked puppy, and suddenly he can’t see anything. His eyes water and tears flow freely down his face. He brings his arms to his face and angrily wipes his eyes with his sleeves in an attempt to stop the flood.

Lea takes a step back, anger completely vanishing from his face. His jaw falls slack, eyes wide. He tentatively reaches a hand forward, not sure of what is happening. “Isa…”

“No!” The man backs away. He knocks a chair down in the process and stumbles ungracefully. He chokes on his next words, “Wh- Why do you c-care!”

He tries to send his best menacing look to the man but it fails. Instead, Lea’s expression becomes immensely soft, something Isa rarely saw before. The red-haired stops and looks at the ceiling for a second, like he is trying to stop tears of his own to fall down his face. He bites his lower lip and takes a deep breath before looking right at Isa once again, eyes shining in the morning light, a meek smile on his face.

“Because I love you, Isa,” his voice is so small, careful. It feels like a gentle touch and it sparks a fire deep inside Isa. “I’ve always loved you.”

Isa takes a deep breath, shaking through the whole process.

Any other moment, he would have thought his mind was playing tricks on him. But he is too alert of what’s happening to lie to himself in such a way. His body burn, like fireworks suddenly lighting up inside of him, his stomach turns upside-down and words get stuck in his throat. He tries to wipe his cheeks with clammy hands, his head spinning with the loud pounding of his heart in his chest.

“What?” He reaches blindly behind him until he finds his desk. He leans against it, one palm pressed against his forehead.

“I-- didn’t realize what my feelings actually were until you disappeared in the Keyblade Graveyard.” he mumbles something that Isa can’t quite catch, but he sees Lea’s sudden nervous demeanor, the way he rocks on his heels and how he fumbles with his zipper.

“I’m not expecting you to return my feelings. It’s not really the best moment to tell you that anyway, but now you know why I’m not giving up on you. You’re my best friend, Isa, I want to take care of you. I want to see you happy too. So, you know, that would be great if you could rely more on me. If not right now, then any time. Though I want to know what’s going on because you look like shit and--”

Isa reaches toward him and pulls him by the collar into a kiss to shut him up.

There’s no initial reaction from Lea, and Isa doesn’t know what to do either. He has kissed before, a few times, when he was younger. But it wasn’t exactly on his mind during the decade he spent working for the Organisation. It’s been awhile. And even when he had had the fleeting desire of kissing his best friend, in the past, he never thought of actually doing it.

However, Lea regains his composure quickly, cupping Isa’s cheeks and pushing them even closer, eyes fluttering shut. It’s quick and chaste, lips against lips, but Isa revels in the feeling.

When they separate, their faces only a few centimeters apart, Lea exhales loudly. When he opens his eyes, a mix of joy, relief and some confusion into them, he rubs his thumb over Isa’s scar.

“That was nice.”

Isa hums. He welcomes the sudden change of situation, _that_ he can manage. “We can do it again.”

“Yeah-- but not right now.” His hand slides down the man’s arms until he reaches his fingers. He squeezes them, his gaze cast to the ground. “Isa, how do you feel about me?”

Isa inhales, squeezing Lea’s hands in return. “I-- I’m not entirely sure.” He can see Lea’s brows slightly furrow, his smile drops. The man is about to step away and take his hands back but Isa doesn’t let him, instead pushing his own body forward until his chest is pressed against Lea’s. He blocks his escape by embracing him. “That’s not what I wanted to say.”

He waits until Lea settles into the hug and reciprocates. “There’s a lot going on. But I know I want to be close like this more often. It’s… good.” He adds after a beat. “And I like kissing you too.”

Lea chuckles at that, relaxing into the embrace. “I like it too.” The man nuzzles his nose against Isa’s neck, gently kissing his skin. “Will you talk to me about what’s going on if we stay like this?”

Isa can feel Lea’s hand gripping the back of his shirt tightly, preventing him from fleeing. Isa doesn’t even want to anymore, he is _tired_ of it. He could have been hugging his best friend - _if he can still call them that_ \- so much more if he had not been a coward. He sighs.

“I can try.”

Lea nods, taking Isa by the hand once more, and leads him to the bed were they both settle. Isa lays on his back while Lea presses his chest to his side, not too close, not too oppressive in case Isa needs some space, but still connected and cozy.

Isa looks at the ceiling, white and dull, the same ceiling he looks at every night in hopes of finding the courage to turn his life around, the same ceiling he sees before falling asleep exhausted. He closes his eyes. Lea shuffles next to him, pressing his head against Isa’s shoulder and intertwining their fingers together. “Take your time, we have all day.”

Isa nods, leaning his head against Lea’s.

He stays quiet for a long time, trying to find the words. Any good reasoning seems to escape him; how can he explains something when he, himself, doesn’t understand it. As far as he knows, Saïx is still lurking nearby and might just take control at this very moment. He could even go berserk and hurt Lea. He barely managed to escape it the night before.

 _Ah_ , what a _coward_ he is.

He inhales, clenching and unclenching his free hand to ground himself. It’s not time to find excuses, he owes Lea an explanation. “I--,” he squeezes Lea’s hand. “Sometimes I have nightmares; mixed with memories and I can’t tell the right from the wrong. It takes me some time to sort it out again. And Saïx is here,” he glances at the ceiling, takes a deep breath and closes his eyes again. He might as well lay it all down now. “-- not just in the nightmares.”

Lea brings their linked hands to his lips, kisses the back of Isa’s gently. He hums, encouraging Isa to continue. “I can feel him crush my heart in his hand. I am on the receiving end of his words. And I can’t breathe, it’s the only thing on my mind and I lose track of time.” He shrugs.  

They stay still and quiet. Isa can feel Lea’s heartbeat against his arm, it’s comforting. But it leaves him too quickly. He hears some shuffling at his side and the heat from Lea’s body against him disappear. Isa cracks his eyes open to see where he went, afraid he might have been left alone. Lea is, of course, still here. He has propped himself up on one arm and is looking at Isa.

“Isa. Did you sleep in the hallway because you had a panic attack?”

 _Oh_.

Lea must catch on Isa’s sudden realization. “And do you hear Saïx whenever you feel bad? or when you don’t understand what you are feeling?” Isa thinks hard, brows crinkling, then nods. Lea sits up completely. Isa copies his position, eyes cast on his face.

“I’m no expert, but it’s like you’re afraid of what you’re feeling and it’s just easier to make it looks like your thoughts are not really yours.” He gestures vaguely. “Guilt, love, whatever you feel and don’t want to face, you just act like it’s Saïx. But you’re just you, you’re human.” Lea looks down at his own laps, a sad smile on his face, gaze lost in memories. “We all thought we couldn’t feel anymore because we didn’t have any heart, but we just felt all the bad stuff stronger.”

Lea takes a deep breath and his grin is back. “Now we can both have the bad and the good, there’s no side. So if you wanna give a name to your bad feelings, then do whatever you want! But to me, there’s no difference between them. I want the full package and his name is Isa!” He finishes by pointing his finger at Isa’s chest and pushing against it.

Isa looks down at Lea’s finger, then back at his face, and he can’t help a small smile of his own. Everything makes a lot more sense if he thinks about it - but does he have the time? Does he even want to when he has such a beautiful man in front of him saying he wants _him_? Isa shakes his head. Indeed, he can wait later to think, he has an idiot to kiss right now.

 

“‘you sure?” Lea whispers, lips red from kissing so much.

Isa hums, teeth grazing Lea’s throat. “Yes.” He leans on his elbows, searching the red-haired’s eyes. “But we can stop if you think we are going too fast.”

“Wha- Oh my god, Isa!” He whines. “I’ve wanted you for so long. Just touch me already if it’s fine!”

A low chuckle escapes Isa’s lips as he goes back to the task at hand, which is pampering Lea’s bare chest with kisses. It’s so much easier to be close to him this way. He doesn’t have to lay his heart bare, his body does the talking for him.

“How needy,” he breathes against the soft skin. The huff he gets in response only makes him smile harder.

He brushes his fingers against Lea’s bulging underwear, the man shivering under the touch. He unsuccessfully tries to suppress a moan when Isa presses his palm against him through the fabric, applying even more pressure with each stroke until Lea is a shaking mess, nails digging into Isa’s hair and shoulder. “Take it off, godda--”

Isa does just so, pushing the underwear down as Lea wiggles his hips to help. Once it’s off, Isa’s free hand leaves Lea’s hip to press against his navel. “Stay still,” he orders.

Lea bites his lips in anticipation, carefully watching Isa’s fingers wrap around his cock, thumb rubbing against the tip. He loses it when Isa’s tongue trace up his entire length, his body violently shuddering, head thrown back against the pillow. It does not take long for his body to arch and for him to cry out Isa’s name, voice broken by pleasure.

Isa is taken aback by the sudden wetness against his fingers and he looks, brows raised high, to Lea’s delighted face. “Did you--”

Lea throws a pillow at Isa. “Yeah, not my fault you’re hot!” His face is flushed red, his breathe is coarse. His chest heaves with exertion, he looks well spent. “Hmm,” he glances down at Isa and gestures with his hand. “Come here, I wanna make you feel good too.”

Isa crawls up his body, discarding his own underwear now completely drenched on the way, and tentatively kisses Lea. “Tap my thigh twice if it’s too much.”

He gets a smirk in return. “I can take you, come on.”

Isa shakes his head, nonetheless happy. He straddles Lea’s chest and moans when the man slides his hands along Isa’s thighs to his ass and gives it a squeeze. “Just, don’t push yourself,” Isa whispers, carefully pushing his hips down over Lea’s face.

Lea hums, appreciative of the attention. He immediately gets to work and gently presses his tongue against Isa’s slit, nose buried in dark blue hair. Isa instinctively presses down for more pressure, his body already heating up. Lea hums encouragingly, digging his nails into Isa’s soft flesh, until his lover is grinding against his lips and tongue. Isa wheezes, body shaking with each lap of Lea’s tongue against his throbbing clit. It’s _heavenly_.

“Lea,” he gasps, voice hoarse.

Lea digs his tongue into Isa’s hole, nose pressing against his engorged bud. The touch is electric and Isa bucks forwards, completely burying Lea’s face between his thighs. His legs trembles, muscles straining to keep him up. “Fuck--” he moans, breath sporadic.

His lover jerks his head upward and sucks his clit just hard enough to push Isa over the edge, toes curling and body twitching. His head falls forward against the wall, his legs entirely giving up on him, as a muted cry try to pass through his lips.

He pushes himself off Lea and falls limp next to him, sated, trying to catch his breath as his shivering body attempt to come back from the bliss. A hand pushes the sweaty hair out of his face and Isa opens his eyes just in time to see Lea’s damp face approaching him for a kiss.

He places his hand between them just in time and pushes the man backward, voice rough. “You’re dripping wet. Gross.”

Lea pouts against his palm. “Gimme a kiss,” he answers, voice muffled.

Isa sighs but complies anyway, pulling Lea by the nape for a quick peck. The man beams at him, cheeks flushed. Even a complete mess, Isa can’t help but think he is beautiful.

Lea falls to his side, facing Isa. He presses his lips to his lover’s shoulder, joy radiating from him. Isa feels overwhelmed - _but in a good way, finally_. He turns on his side as well and gently kisses Lea’s forehead. He closes his eyes, the warmth of Lea calming his rapidly increasing heartbeat.

 

“Lea,” he eventually says.

The latter raises his head, bright green eyes piercing into his soul. “Hm?”

Isa kisses his pointy nose, his voice softer than ever. “Thank you.” He rubs his thumb over the non-existent scar on Lea’s face mirroring his, relief flooding his heart as he assures himself once again that it was all a dream, that the man is _his_ , that Isa is not broken.

Everything is going to be fine.

Isa smiles. “I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> All manifestation of Isa's panic attacks, etc, is very influenced by my own experience. For the Saïx part, I had that idea for a while, with Isa still fighting Saïx inside and even being able to go berserk. 
> 
> I hope you liked it, I'd love to hear your thoughts! 
> 
> You can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/imnotanironwall).


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